


between a crucifix and a hollywood sign

by Easy_Peasy_Pumpkin



Category: Original Work
Genre: Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, He literally does not know what can or can't kill him, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mental Health Issues, None of them do, Oh My God, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Sicheng doesnt deserve bad things, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Terrance is a demon it's going to take more than a bunch of pills to kill him, Terrance is abusive but trying, Therapy, There's a lot of crying, This Is Sad, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, failed suicide, talking about feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-24 21:50:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9788654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Easy_Peasy_Pumpkin/pseuds/Easy_Peasy_Pumpkin
Summary: he decided to get hurt





	

'Hate' is a strong word, often times used in ways that takes away from the severity of its intended meaning.

Yet, Terrance knows exactly what he means when he says it.

"You're a fucking piece of shit." He tells his reflection, himself, eyes as bright as ever and burning. He feels like he's burning. He glances at the empty bottles of pills on the sink beside him. It should be more than enough to kill him. He hopes it is. He's tired. He's tired of being angry. He's tired of being disgusting. He's tired of being fucking scum. He's ready to die. 

"I hate you." He spats, numbness starting to take effect from the amount of pain medication in his system. He's getting dizzy. He continues to tell himself just how horrible he is, to make sure he's got it ingrained in his head that he's nothing. He's nothing now and he'll never be anything in the future. He suddenly remembers his brother, Aki. Aki wants Terrance to live on. Terrance doesn't care. He can't care. He's ready to go. 

He thinks of his long-time boyfriend, Sicheng. Sicheng's always been a saint. Even after getting to know Terrance and his past, he stayed with him. Despite being fully numb, somewhere in his chest worry starts to bubble. Who is going to take care of his boyfriend when he's gone? Who is going to make Sicheng breakfast every morning and make sure he stays healthy? Who is going to watch scary movies with him and cuddle for hours afterwards when the younger is too scared to be left alone?

But then Terrance remembers the times he's been awful to Sicheng. He remembers all of the times he's yelled at him. All of the times that he's put him down, all of the times he's hurt his feelings and his body. He deserves this. Terrance deserves to die for ever even daring to hurt someone so sweet and caring, someone who's never done him wrong. 

Sicheng will be better off without him. At least, that's what he tries to tell himself as his vision starts to blur. Before he knows it, the world is dark and he feels nothing.

-

Terrance wakes up and almost thinks he's in heaven. Sicheng is there, as perfect as ever, though he's crying. If Terrance really were in heaven, Sicheng would never cry. He wouldn't have to worry. It takes Terrance a long while to realize he's still alive. The realization is slow but the feeling of disappointment is instant and he almost throws up. 

"Stop crying." His voice is soft, like on the nights where he's holding onto Sicheng like his life depends on it, pressing light kisses to his jaw and neck and making him feel as loved as he is. Sicheng looks like he's never been more grateful when he hears Terrance. He hugs him as tightly as he can, tears streaming down his cheeks as he continues to sob in Terrance's ear. Terrance feels sick with guilt. He wonders if he can even hate himself even more than he already does. "I said stop crying."

"Please," Sicheng starts, broken and raw. There's a sharp pain in Terrance's chest and it's building. "Please don't ever do this again. Please don't leave me. _Please_ d-don't leave me." 

Somewhere in his mind, Terrance recognizes he needs help. He's always known this. He's always known that something is just deeply wrong with him. His body is numb but his chest somehow still feels like it's going to burst. He puts an arm around Sicheng, slowly, afraid to touch him in case he falls apart. He doesn't want to ask for help. He's still got his pride, somehow, despite feeling as if he's going to rot every time his boyfriend hiccups and he feels more tears hit the crook of his neck. Sicheng won't stop crying and Terrance can't bring himself to say anything about it.

Sicheng makes them sit like that for a while. Terrance wants to get up and go to their room and just sleep. He wants to sleep and never wake up again. He feels awful. He always feels awful. His mind is blank and all he feels is pain spreading throughout his body. It's not the pills. It's Sicheng's soft pleas. It's the 'I love you's and the 'I need you's that makes him feel something close to regret.

"I'm sorry." He says it but he's not entirely sure he means it. He repeats it, whispering, unshed tears making his vision a bit blurry. When Sicheng lets them get up, Terrance doesn't stop touching him for a fraction of a second. Sicheng has the same idea, it seems, because he clings to Terrance. They're not in the bathroom, which is where Terrance remembers being before he lost consciousness. They're in the hallway, next to their bedroom. Terrance is grateful when Sicheng leads him inside and lets them sit on the bed. Terrance is silent and so is Sicheng. 

It isn't the first time this has happened. Both of them know. Terrance tells himself, tells his boyfriend, he can get better. Sicheng knows he can. He also knows Terrance doesn't want to. They situate themselves as they would on any other night, laying next to each other under light a light blanket. Terrance can't see in the dark but he stares up at the ceiling all the same. Sicheng is holding onto him, sniffling as he still tries to calm down. It reminds Terrance of when he was younger, when he was brother would come to his room and climb into bed with him after their father would touch him. The thought made Terrance feel sick again.

"You're going to therapy, Terrance." Sicheng's voice pulls him out of his thoughts. His expression is ridiculous. He wishes Sicheng could see it. 

"I'm not." He's been in therapy before, for other reasons. It did him no good. If anything it made him worse. He doesn't want to tell a stranger his problems. As far as Terrance is concerned, he's going to feel like killing himself after the sessions anyway so there's no point. 

“Terrance, please. I love you. I want you to get better. I want you to be happy.” Sicheng sounds like he’s going to start crying again. Pain settles back into Terrance’s chest.

“I’ll get better on my own.”

“No you won’t. You won’t, Terr. You’ve said that before and you’re even worse now.”

“It’s a work in progress.”

“You’re going to therapy and that’s final.” Terrance wants to argue with him but Sicheng is crying again. He turns over and hugs him close, tight, keeps him there and lets his body heat warm Sicheng. He thinks maybe, just maybe, he can still get out of it. 

“Fine.” He mutters and falls silent afterwards. It’s not long before Sicheng’s breathing settles and Terrance knows he’s asleep. Terrance doesn’t get much sleep that night, listening to Sicheng’s soft snores and matching their breathing as a way to comfort himself when his mind starts to wander.

-

Despite all of his protesting, Terrance attends therapy. It takes a lot of convincing, ‘I love you’s, and maybe a few threats for him to agree however. Before they even get out of the car, anxiety is starting to bubble in his chest. For the first time in a while, Terrance starts to feel cold and dread spread throughout his body. 

He finds the bathroom as soon as they’re inside and throws up while Sicheng talks to a nice young lady about their appointment.

-

“How has your day been so far, Terrance?” Introductions were hard enough, with Terrance almost excusing himself back to the bathroom for round two of ‘I guess I didn’t need my breakfast anyway’. Sicheng is the only thing that keeps him sitting in the mildly uncomfortable chair. Sicheng is holding his hand. Terrance feels only mildly better with the contact.

“Shitty.” Is his answer to the large female. Terrance doesn’t think of himself as sexist but he would be more comfortable with a male therapist. This woman worries him. She has a soft voice, as if it was made up of mush. Bile rises in his throat as another wave of cold washes over him. Sicheng places a hand on his neck, just applying pressure to the area. Sicheng is warm.

“Terrance, baby, calm down. Don’t be rude. Just answer her questions. It’s alright.” He says softly. Terrance jerks away from him and stands in no time. Sicheng’s worried gaze follows him as he leaves the room. Terrance finds the nearest bathroom and round two begins.  
-

The next appointment is only mildly improved from the last. Terrance doesn’t talk much, only answering questions with short answers. At some point, he stands and Sicheng thinks he’s going to leave again. He paces instead, which is, in his opinion, more worrying than finding Terrance on the bathroom floor in the building, head in his hands. 

“Does that help to calm you, Terrance?” The therapist asks, curious. Terrance doesn’t answer verbally, just nods. He doesn’t answer many more questions after that. Sicheng has to do most of the talking.

-

It takes nearly two months before Terrance starts opening up to the woman. He holds himself, rubs his arms, and rocks back and forth a little as he talks. Sicheng is pressed against his side where they’re sat, comforting him to make it easier. 

Terrance talks about his suicidal thoughts. He talks about his hatred for himself. Sicheng listens, learning just as much as the woman is about his boyfriend’s feelings. He never knew what Terrance thought about. Terrance is usually reserved and quiet, preferring to let things happen as they do than get too involved. He doesn’t talk about himself much. Sicheng realizes just how little he actually knows about Terrance’s emotions.

“Do you think you can stick to a safety plan if we made one for you?” 

“No.” He answers immediately. “I’ll break it as soon as we get home.” Sicheng flinches just a bit, but Terrance notices. Instead of trying to kill himself, Terrance has been just straight up self-harming. He wears sleeves most, if not all days at this point. Even when it’s nearly 90 degrees outside.

“Maybe we should take a break.” Terrance couldn’t be more relieved.

-

There’s a day where Terrance is particularly open about his feelings. The session ends with Sicheng leaving the room, crying, and the therapist in tears herself. 

-

“Is there anything else you want to cover today, Terrance?” 

Terrance is silent for a long moment, staring at the carpeted floor. Sicheng is rubbing his back gently. He’s proud of Terrance. They’ve been making good progress. He even made a safety contract, even if he didn’t sign it at that moment. He made one and Sicheng couldn’t be more happy to know that his boyfriend is willing to get better. 

“...Can I talk about my family?” Terrance looks up for a moment, voice rather quiet. The therapist looks through a few papers before she finds what she’s looking for. 

“That’s right. You have many siblings, don’t you? Jessica, Isabella, Aki…” 

“This is just about me and Aki...And, uh, our dad.” Sicheng doesn’t want to hear about Terrance’s father. He doesn’t know the full story about him, but he does know that Terrance’s father was abusive in unimaginable ways towards him and Aki. He has a bad taste in his mouth now. 

“Go ahead, then. At your own pace.” The woman prompts. Terrance falls silent again. He takes a few breaths, eyes glossy with tears before he even begins speaking. 

At first, Sicheng knows the information he provides. Terrance speaks on how abusive his father was towards him and his brother and talks of the physical and emotional abuse that took place. Once he starts to get into the details, Sicheng thinks he should leave. 

He didn’t know. He didn’t know about the rape. The torture. The negligence. Terrance starts panicking while he recalls one of the seemingly many times he was raped by his father and Sicheng doesn’t know how to calm him down.

On the way to the car, Terrance asks if they can get ice cream and go sit at the park. Sicheng doesn’t deny him.

-

There’s times where Terrance has flashbacks to his childhood and teenage years. It happens, not often, but it happens and Sicheng learns very slowly how to snap him back to the present. Terrance is a fighter through and through, and through many bruises Sicheng comes to learn just how badly things could go if he’s not careful during those times. Terrance always apologizes, alway takes care of Sicheng to the best of his ability afterwards. 

Terrance starts to express how much he hates himself more. Sicheng keeps telling him he loves him.

-

Medication doesn’t help Terrance, Sicheng comes to realize. It makes no difference. They need a different approach.

-

“Baby, do you want to watch a movie together?”

“No.”

“What do you want to do then?”

Silence.

-

“He’s not talking to me, Aki. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him. I just...I just want him to be better.”

“I...I don’t know how to help you. I’m so sorry.”

-

“Jesse, what do I do about him? He’s locking himself in the guest room all day. He won’t even come out to eat sometimes…”

“He won’t talk to me. I don’t know how to help.”

-

“Isabella, I--”

“He’s listening. Just talk.”

“How do you know? He’s not saying anything. He won’t let me in.”

“Just talk.”

-

Sicheng takes Isabella’s advice. He sits outside of the bedroom door sometimes and just talks to Terrance through it. He doesn’t get a response but he keeps talking. He tells Terrance about his day, about something knew that Taeyong has taught him or something he saw while he was out. There’s a day where Terrance leaves the door cracked open for him. He takes the opportunity and lays in bed with him, talking like he would if he were on the outside.

Terrance listens and decides he really needs to do something.

-

There’s a day that Terrance goes outside of the home. It’s sunny. He sits on the front steps. Sicheng comes out and says nothing. He sits behind him and hugs him gently. 

Terrance feels better.

-

Sicheng gets a kitten. He lets Terrance name it Leone. There’s a significant change in Terrance’s mood after that. He looks better, less tired. He plays with the animal, even if he feels exhausted. He keeps the windows open on warmer days and lets the light shine throughout the house. 

Sicheng isn’t quick to get excited.

-

The day Terrance tells Sicheng to come with him to the movies is the day Sicheng gets his hopes up. He’s eager and Terrance even chuckles at his enthusiasm. 

He feels better. He’s doing better. 

Sicheng tells Terrance he loves him. Terrance kisses him in response.

-

There’s days where Terrance’s mood dips. Days where he locks himself in the bathroom and cries and hurts himself. Sicheng helps him stop the bleeding. Sicheng bandages his wounds and kisses his knuckles while Terrance shakes and tears fall. Overall, Terrance is doing better still. Sicheng helps him as much as he cans and the older couldn’t be more grateful. 

“Everyone has their days, Terr.” Sicheng tells him one night after finding Terrance in the bathroom, a full bottle of pain medication in his hand. “I love you no matter what. I’m so proud of you for making it this far.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“You deserve to be loved.”

“I don’t.”

“How about we talk about it in the morning, baby?”

There’s silence for a long moment. Terrance closes his eyes. He sighs softly. He’s not tired.

“I love you, Sicheng.”

“I love you too, Terrance. More than anything else in the world.”

Terrance allows himself to believe it.


End file.
